The Art of the Ask: It's All About Preparation, Politeness, and You

The only way to get something you want is to ask for it.

Seems simple enough. But why then does it seem so difficult? There’s fear of rejection, or perhaps anxiety over what one may perceive as begging.

Anyone with children understands that apprehension over asking is a learned behavior. Most kids have no trouble asking for anything and everything, whatever, wherever, and whenever ad nauseam.  As we get older, we become self-conscious about the ask, and sometimes stop asking for the things we want altogether—and that’s a problem in any professional context.

Whether you want to take the next step in your career, or you want more money from your employer, or if your work is tied to fundraising or selling products and services, getting better with your asking is an imperative part of success.

The best way to deal with anxiety is preparation and practice

Part of being successful with asking for things is overcoming that anxiety. An important tool for that is learning how to ask better. Knowing that your ask is a well-thought and calculated action builds confidence around the deed. It’s just like public speaking—the more prepared you are with your messaging, with your audience, and with your timing, the better you'll feel when it comes time to deliver.

Asking for a raise is a stressful proposition for many of us. In fact, a survey by Glamour magazine revealed that 57 percent of women and 46 percent of men have never asked for a raise in their life. Perhaps that’s not surprising. In that same survey, findings showed that 75 percent of women who asked for raises were successful and received a higher salary. Fortune magazine proprietary research puts that number at two-thirds.

Would these survey respondents have earned their raise without the ask? Seems doubtful.

How to assemble messaging when asking for a raise

Start by nailing down your messaging when asking for higher compensation. Research your job title and the salaries in the place where you live. Also look to see if your job responsibilities align with your title. Compare both to your role at the company. You should be able to cite data about whether your current salary is at least comparable to what your position commands on the job market. Use online resources, like our Salary Guide, to find the market value of your position.

Often it serves you to present a salary range rather than one figure. This is a negotiation tactic that applies to any exchange of goods and services. In doing so, Columbia University researchers posit that your manager or whomever makes salary decisions at the company will selectively listen to the lower figure in the ask, which makes the ask in and of itself more attractive. This is what is known as the tandem anchoring effect.

Landing a salary increase takes more than citing an acceptable range for your worth. If you want to a salary near the higher number in your range, prepare to make your case. This means being able to articulate your value to the company.

Start by examining your KPI data

Bring to this conversation talking points that include concrete examples of how you deliver value to your employer. Your key performance indicators (KPIs) should provide a good jumping off point for quantifying performance, especially if you’re hitting the ball out of the park. Jot down your key wins, contributions that drive new business and revenue, and ways that you’ve increased productivity or become more efficient personally, and better yet, if your contributions have influenced more than just your output.

If your job duties have changed over your tenure, note that and talk about it. It is easy to lineate the connection between “more responsibility” and “higher salary.” If you took on responsibilities after a co-worker left the company that helps make your case. In this context, sometimes it makes sense to negotiate for more money right as you start absorbing a new task or project into your role instead of after. When management is concerned about the success of a new project or a restructured team, you may have more leverage in the conversation.

Stay positive, polite, and talk about yourself

Pay attention to how you deliver your points at a sentence level. It seems obvious, but don’t forget to put yourself in the heart of this conversation. You should be starting a lot of sentences with I. An example:

I appreciate the opportunity to level up my contributions. Then cite those contributions. Then say: I am excited that my contributions are driving revenue for the company, or, have saved our team a lot of time and effort. And now the ask: I’d like to talk about increasing my salary in accordance to my performance and responsibilities.  

Stay polite and state your desired range. Don’t insinuate the anger that you’re underpaid, and keep the conversation 100 percent positive.

Helping your manager help you

Depending on company structure, the real conversation that determines success when asking for better compensation takes place between HR and your manager. Your goal then becomes arming your manager with enough ammunition for justifying an increase to personnel costs. If this is the case it might help to assemble a few PowerPoint slides that outline the points you bring into the conversation with your manager. Putting something tangible together will help solidify your talking points in your mind when it’s time to deliver your ask.